Lately, I feel like I'm living a whole different life. It almost feels as though I'm not really me, like I'm someone else going through all of this...stuff. I'm not Dori anymore. I don't know who I am, but it surely isn't me.
I know I'm not making sense, but I just can't think alone anymore. No, I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I just can't be alone or else I think the most ridiculous, crazy things. My mind wanders and I get so afraid. When things like this happen to me I don't talk to anyone. I talk if I have to, but I'm not confiding in people. Even my family, which is startling because I feel like I need to talk to them, but I can't. I have good reasons why.
"She'll be fine." "It's all going to be OK." "Stop freaking out." "Things will work out." You know what I hear when anyone tells me these things? "Blah blah blah blah." It sounds like all of the adults in Charlie Brown episodes where they sound like, "WAAH WAAH WA WA WAAAH WAHH." I just want to cover my ears and run out of the room. I can't take it. You may not realize it, but these phrases are things I hear every, single, day. From everyone I encounter or anyone who I tell about my family updates. Even close friends. It's so frustrating! Why tell me what I already know? Let me vent. Let me freak out. Let me be upset, scared, worried. Let me be!
The family says the same stuff. I understand they mean well, and I love them for trying to help me. I just can't bear to hear the same crap from everybody, and I want to express myself without any of this general junk. Please don't get me wrong, my family is amazing. They are wonderful people and simply fantastic to me. But this is an internal thing that I need to get through myself. Nobody can help me through it, because no one can understand what is happening in my brain. Not even Mom, who has a clue, but is not feeling the exact same things.
I love my sister. Mom is right when she says she is like a second mom to Kyle and me. I always accidentally call her, "Mom," but she barely bats an eye and looks at me, waiting to hear what I have to say. She knows who I'm talking to.
Not a lot of people know this story, but when I was little, Janina and I had sleepovers at her house every weekend. We would go to Blockbuster, rent movies, and come home to watch them in her room (she lived with her dad at the time). Whenever we went out, people asked her if I was her daughter. She would say yes immediately. We held hands throughout the store. I never wanted to let go.
I want to go back to that place. I want to be as close to her as I was then. Why did I have to grow up already? Why did reality have to hit us so quickly? What happened? Why did time have to slip by so fast?
She's had enough trouble in her life. This needs to stop. Of all the people to have so much happen to them, why Janina? Why my precious, self-less sister?
I love you, Janina...Let me be that little girl again and hold your hand. I'll help you through this one. I promise.
Like Daughter, Like Mother: Our Thyroid Cancer Journey
Behind the Blog
Adelina is a full-time wife, mother, practice manager, and medical transcriptionist. After receiving an ultrasound and countless biopsies, she was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer on December 11, 2009. She successfully underwent surgery on December 29, 2009, and had her first radioactive iodine treatment in February 2010. Following treatment, Adelina now sees her doctor once a year for follow-up. She has been doing well, and refuses to let cancer slow her down.
Dori is 26 years old. She was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer at the age of 17 on June 1, 2006, just three days prior to her high school graduation. Dori endured two radioactive iodine treatments and two surgeries to remove her complete thyroid and 39 total lymph nodes from her neck. She is now under close watch by her doctors, and only time will tell if the cancer stays at bay.