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Lately, I feel like I'm living a whole different life. It almost feels as though I'm not really me, like I'm someone else going through all of this...stuff. I'm not Dori anymore. I don't know who I am, but it surely isn't me.
I know I'm not making sense, but I just can't think alone anymore. No, I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I just can't be alone or else I think the most ridiculous, crazy things. My mind wanders and I get so afraid. When things like this happen to me I don't talk to anyone. I talk if I have to, but I'm not confiding in people. Even my family, which is startling because I feel like I need to talk to them, but I can't. I have good reasons why.
"She'll be fine." "It's all going to be OK." "Stop freaking out." "Things will work out." You know what I hear when anyone tells me these things? "Blah blah blah blah." It sounds like all of the adults in Charlie Brown episodes where they sound like, "WAAH WAAH WA WA WAAAH WAHH." I just want to cover my ears and run out of the room. I can't take it. You may not realize it, but these phrases are things I hear every, single, day. From everyone I encounter or anyone who I tell about my family updates. Even close friends. It's so frustrating! Why tell me what I already know? Let me vent. Let me freak out. Let me be upset, scared, worried. Let me be!
The family says the same stuff. I understand they mean well, and I love them for trying to help me. I just can't bear to hear the same crap from everybody, and I want to express myself without any of this general junk. Please don't get me wrong, my family is amazing. They are wonderful people and simply fantastic to me. But this is an internal thing that I need to get through myself. Nobody can help me through it, because no one can understand what is happening in my brain. Not even Mom, who has a clue, but is not feeling the exact same things.
I love my sister. Mom is right when she says she is like a second mom to Kyle and me. I always accidentally call her, "Mom," but she barely bats an eye and looks at me, waiting to hear what I have to say. She knows who I'm talking to.
Not a lot of people know this story, but when I was little, Janina and I had sleepovers at her house every weekend. We would go to Blockbuster, rent movies, and come home to watch them in her room (she lived with her dad at the time). Whenever we went out, people asked her if I was her daughter. She would say yes immediately. We held hands throughout the store. I never wanted to let go.
I want to go back to that place. I want to be as close to her as I was then. Why did I have to grow up already? Why did reality have to hit us so quickly? What happened? Why did time have to slip by so fast?
She's had enough trouble in her life. This needs to stop. Of all the people to have so much happen to them, why Janina? Why my precious, self-less sister?
At one point, I came to the conclusion that everyone telling me it was going to be all right was their way of making themselves feel better. They feel like they've been supportive, and done their role as friends/family etc. They believe they have said what they would want to hear in a similar situation. Think of all the times you've needed to be supportive for someone else... what have you said?
I actually just finished writing something where I talk about how I sometimes go to "the dark place" with my thoughts and things and what I do to pull out of it. I think we thycans get hit by it more b/c of how much thyroids are tied with moods.
For me, one of the best things I've done is find other thyca bloggers... especially other people our age. It's helped a lot with the whole "alone" feeling.