Yesterday was a great day. I had a wonderful time out with a good friend, and then afterward I went out to watch the Ravens beat the Raiders and earn their rightful spot in the NFL Playoffs. It was great to forget my troubles outside of that place, and just focus on something fun with close friends.

However, I barely slept last night. I had maybe 4 hours of sleep, give or take. I was feeling terrible. It must have been some indication of what was to happen today.

I woke up at 11:15am to my alarm clock. I was excited for my chat with Matthew Zachary from I'm Too Young For This! at noon, and was ready to spend some time with a friend visiting from New Jersey in the evening. However, when I checked my phone as soon as I awoke, I came across a text from my dad. He said that Janina's results were positive for papillary thyroid cancer, and that she was in the office talking to our surgeon about her surgery. It was such a shock to me that I could hardly move for a minute or two. Then, I lost it. I started to hit my pillow so hard I almost thought I broke through it, I screamed at the top of my lungs, and I shouted, "No, no, not my sister! Not my sister!" There was nothing else I could do. I wanted to break something into a million pieces, just like this cancer has been doing to my heart. Just when I feel like I'm getting over it and moving on and trying to help my mother, it has to shatter my heart all over again. Why Janina? Not her. She has already had 2 cancers. This is ridiculous. Of all the people to get cancer, it should NOT be her. She has the most amazing personality. Janina's a beautiful person, inside and out. She has the biggest heart you could ever find in a human being, and she has been my hero since I was a little girl. She's my second mother...my best friend. This is one of those things that is slowly sending me over the edge.

Oh, how perfect. You know that song I talked about in my last blog? Avril Lavigne's "Mobile"? Well, it just came on when I hit "Shuffle" on iTunes. It's perfect for right now. Everything is happening way too fast here. It's getting harder and harder each day.

I'm still saying it over and over in my head, "Not my sister...not her. Please not her." But, it is. The next unfortunate victim. But, as Breaking Benjamin's lyrics in, "I Will Not Bow" state: I will not bow, I will not break...I will not fall, I will not fade..."