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I'm pretty much an insomniac at the moment. It's 5:17am right now and I'm awake. I fell asleep around 12:30am and woke up at 2:30, but fell asleep again around maybe 3:30am and now I am awake. I will probably go back to sleep as soon as I finish writing this, but I feel slightly alert. I'm also telling you all this just in case this entry seems a little off.
This is probably one of those days where I really do not know what I want to say. A lot of things are happening around me at once; not just this cancer shindig, but many other personal things, too. I have had so many ups and downs with friends and others over the course of the last month or so that my head is still spinning. Change happens every time we look another direction. Each time I feel like this, I like listening to Avril Lavigne's song "Mobile." Go take a listen. It has been so true about everything that has been happening in my life. Many people I know can relate to all of this, and can relate to constant change. Coming to terms with change, though, is a very different matter.
In an earlier post my mother made, she mentioned that she was joking with her sister, my Aunt Rea when she accompanied her to get her ultrasound. She said that this was her cancer and she didn't want to share it. I know it was a joke, but sometimes I thought that myself. Especially when Mom was diagnosed. I didn't want anyone else to have this. I wanted it to just be mine, my cancer, my ordeal. In reality, though, folks, this was not just my battle. Everyone who chose and has chosen to be with me and suffer with me -- this was their fight, too. They were fighting with me. They were giving little pieces of themselves to me when I was running out. At times I still need these pieces in order to feel whole again, feel normal.
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