Like Daughter - 09

Before I rant and rave, Mom is doing very well. She's not in any pain, but her throat is sore from the breathing tube. It's difficult for her to swallow, but she is able to drink and possibly eat. When I left her, she was slurring but coherent, and she looks fabulous for just having surgery. I'll probably blog for her tomorrow when she comes home. Dr. S told us that he took out her entire thyroid and some "clumpy" lymph nodes underneath the thyroid. We won't know the results on those nodes for a few days. Mom thanks everyone for their support, love, and encouragement through this whole ordeal. She smiled when I told her about everyone's well wishes. But please keep thinking about her and praying for her.

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life. I can safely say that. I knew Mom was in good hands, but it's still scary. I finally know what it really is like being on the other side of the fence. It's not greener.

I imagined every possible scenario in my head. I imagined what she would look like. It frightened me. I remember how I looked and felt, and it disturbs me even now to think about her scar. I kept touching my neck all day, thinking, "Oh, Lord, she bears this now, too..." It surprises me that I'm still moving around and doing what I need to do.

Things are definitely changing inside of me. I've been very blank lately. I'm faking a lot of my emotions. It's getting more difficult to stay peppy and excited about everything. In high school, I was so obnoxiously bubbly that a lot of people couldn't handle me for a long period of time. It's amazing what time, life experience, and a lot of damn drama can do to a person.

I don't know how my sister has been able to do this. She went through my surgeries and treatments, my brother-in-law's surgery and treatment, and now she has just gotten herself through my mother's surgery. She is such a hero to me. Janina went through her own cancers, and now she has had to be the rock for all three of us. She got her own biopsies done yesterday. I pray she doesn't have this stupid cancer. If she does...I can't think about it.

Pray for this family, everyone. If you don't pray, then think of us. Keep us in your thoughts. This is really difficult for the lot of us. Thank you again for all of your support, encouragement, well wishes, and love. We could not have gotten this far without it.

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