Like Daughter - 04

I'll be truthful; I only waited until now to post because I wanted to wait to see what my mother was going to write about. I've been having trouble trying to figure out what to say, especially since, for the most part, I've said all I've thought the past few days. It's hard to write about something new when your mind is blank. I hardly know what to think these days, but yesterday really brought things home for me.

This shit's real. Plain and simple. I'm being very straightforward here because everyone else tends to beat around the bush with cancer. No fluff here. I refuse to be that person. Cancer is real. It doesn't toy with people. It's like watching duels in old films; one doesn't often survive while the other thrives.

It was bad enough when my brother-in-law got diagnosed less than one year after me. I hated the feeling of that. It frightened me, especially since all of the motions of cancer were fresh in my mind and very recent. Luckily, his didn't spread and he had just one surgery and treatment. He's awesome. Then my own mother got diagnosed with the same exact cancer. That was pretty much the equivalent of...any of your wildest fears coming to life in front of your eyes.

And now, as if all of this isn't enough in this family, my sister was scanned and they found 3 nodules in HER thyroid. As if my sister hasn't been through enough with her own two cancers and the rest of us! Janina is the most unselfish, kind, generous, strong person I've ever known. I always call her "Mom" by accident. She takes care of me when I need her, and if my mom or dad can't come and help me with something or see me when I'm not feeling well, Janina is always there as soon as possible. I think I hate seeing her upset the most out of everyone. She's the person I could never bear to think was unhappy or ill or scared.

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I can be as strong as she. Is it possible for me to be strong for both of the wonderful, spectacular women in my life if Janina also ends up having this stupid cancer? Will I really be able to watch both of them go through the same things that I had to? I don't know. I just feel like everything is falling apart; that we're all being tested to the point of insanity.

I guess we'll all have to see for ourselves. I plan on being one of the rocks they need during this. I can't abandon them, especially when they would never do that to me, no matter how hard things became. This is going to be a real test to this family, and it already has been. If Janina ends up being diagnosed, it's going to only get worse. We're ready for you, cancer. And we're not afraid. Not anymore.

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