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Kairol Rosenthal's latest blog entry inspired me to write about waiting. Waiting is terrible, on all facets. It eats away at your sanity. Right now, that's all my family is doing. Waiting. Trying to busy ourselves hardly covers up the fact that we all are worried. Even me, the one who has been there, done that.
I want it over with, because I know my mother is anxious. I know she wants it to just happen. She told me earlier today that she was hoping that our surgeon's office would call today saying that his Tuesday patient canceled and wanted my mother to come in and have her operation done then. My heart almost leaped into my throat. Just the thought of what is coming makes me sick to my stomach.
Mom told me last week sometime that our surgeon talked to her about what the surgery would be like and what her scar would be. He said that he would make it like a half-smile type deal; it starts at the base of the throat on the right side, then travels to the left and curves upward toward the back of the ear. Fabulous. My surgeon told me when I had to receive my second surgery that he wanted to do two incisions instead of the one because I was "too young for that scar."
This irritates me. Isn't my mother too young for that, too? I know he'll do a fabulous job and make it almost invisible by the time it's fully healed, but it can be an ugly scar. I've seen people with that kind of incision, and it doesn't always look that pretty. It scares me. I thought about it today, and I wish that I could go back to when he was about to do the surgery and tell him I want that scar. I want it because my mother would get it, too. I didn't want her to suffer from that scar alone. If it meant that my mother didn't have to feel as intimidated by it, I would have insisted upon it, hands down.
Even right now she's talking about how she hopes there's a cancellation on Tuesday morning so that she can just get the surgery done. To be honest, I doubt I'll even be ready to watch this happen. I still have to pinch myself every day to make sure this is really happening.
okay
Jon Filbert December 20 at 7:41pm
the fucking thing would not let me post so fuck it "cutand paste...
you have a great opportunity to help each other in this. Dori, you have been blessed to have be able to understand where your mom is coming from. you are able to be her rock and return the favor so to speak. Dori, you have lived the road and it is not a kind road at times but you have walked the road already. you have the ability to stand on the other side of it and shout directions to your mom so she knows where to step and where not to step.
if i may be so bold to say....the same way you did for me during my rai treatment. you eased alot of fears for me.....
mom----you are blessed to have someone that has gone through this to hold your hand and walk besides you through this journey. the greatest healing you can give Dori is to let her be there the same way you were with her. To be opened if your freaked your freaked there is no shame in it. trust me us that are a little farther down the road can give tell when a new guy is feeding us a load of bull sh%t....
you are both so blessed....be blessed have a great christmas and remember DORI.....be nice to your mom and stop being such a brat!!! LOVE YOU BOTH